“I still love my ex”

I was chatting with a friend and we got to speak about this very frequent situation: you break up with somebody “but” you still love them.
But? Whenever somebody tells me that I point it out to them: why but? If you did things right and you behaved with respect, and the other party did so too, the natural thing is (or should be) that there still would be some degree of friendship and love. After all, you’ve shared time together, maybe even lived together. I still feel affection for the men I once loved (requited or not) and not only in my own opinion but also in that of the experts on the subject, it is healthy that it be so.

The problem comes when a person “stays hung on” the old relationship. When they still are desperately craving the other person to be their partner. When it is not unconditional love but a strong possessive love with romantic wishes. That is not healthy, because if it has already been decided that the relationship must end, if both parties have talked about it and decided it was not good to continue together, it is better to let go (I do not refer to the cases in which the relationship can still be saved with some effort and commitment by both parties, rather to relationships which have been pronounced to be over).

In the context of my friend, the guy she’s in love with is confused because although he loves her, he also still loves his ex. It’s in these cases when it’s worth pointing out that keeping feelings of fondness and affection towards an ex is perfectly healthy. It is not a reason to stop moving forward to new relationships.

It would be desirable that as the years go by, if you were not lucky enough to find your soul mate in your early teens, that people with whom you have a romantic interaction can still keep a friendly relationship with you, in good terms. Probably not “best friends” anymore, but indeed good will, trust, friendship and unconditional love. I wish all relationships would always end like that – the world would be a better place. Unfortunately that does not always happen.